Why Are You Playing Small? Stop Holding Yourself Back!

Have you found yourself “playing small” as well? If we focus on our Self-Awareness, we have to really look inside to determine why this is happening. What is driving you toward a certain behavior? What benefit do you get by not reaching your highest level? Or if you do reach those high achievements, but they still don’t bring the feelings you thought you might experience long term, then what?

I recently watched the Netflix film on Tony Robbins entitled I Am Not Your Guru. The film documents one of his Date with Destiny events, showing the challenges, decisions and transformations people commit to after being part of the event. In the bonus material after the credits, dancer Derek Hough was talking about how he felt like he always had to achieve things in order to feel good; that he had to be first place and be the best. Then he found himself sitting at home after winning a TV show (Dancing with the Stars) three times, surrounded by his trophies and feeling like, “Well now what? Shoot! I thought this was going to bring me, just … long lasting joy.”

The winning didn’t make him feel the way he thought he would. Often, after the initial high once you’ve achieved your goal wears off, you come back to reality and wonder why that didn’t make you happy. Were you happy to begin with? There’s something to consider…

After someone who bought his books asked real estate investor Dean Graziosi why he would be at Date with Destiny, he said, “Are you kidding me? We all have our own stuff … Accomplishments don’t change who we are in here. We all need to fix that. How many successful people end their lives, or drink or do drugs ‘cause they can’t figure it out?”

Understanding why you do things can help you create more Self-Awareness. Knowing what success really looks like for you can help, too.

Tony Robbins talks about how, ultimately, people usually want to change a behavior, or they want to change how they feel. Which is it for you? Maybe it’s both.

If you feel like you are playing small, why do you feel this way? Is it due to a fear of success? Is there anything traumatic in your past that made you feel like you didn’t get what you wanted? In Psychology Today, Susanne Babbel Ph.D. MFT wrote in her article “Fear of Success” that “… the physical reactions to stress and to excitement are very similar. So, when we experience a traumatic event—such as a car accident or a school bullying incident—our body associates the fear we experience with the same physiological feelings we get while excited. Once we have been through enough trauma, we start to avoid those types of situations that trigger memories of fear. For this reason, trauma victims can tend to avoid excitement, and that can lead them to avoid success.”

Have you had traumatic events in your past that you still hold on to? Most of us have experienced some sorts of trauma of varying degrees, and in truth it is often what makes us better and stronger human beings when we are able to move through and past it all and then serve others around us. What were the feelings that you held surrounding that trauma? How do those feelings play out in your life today, subconsciously or consciously?

Or perhaps you had something that you failed at previously. If you find yourself focusing on that (over and over again) and the reasons you may not succeed, that can also slow your progress. If you feel like you were a failure, you may think, “Why even bother? This won’t work.”

What are the behaviors you then engage in? Did you know that 20% of people identify themselves as chronic procrastinators (Psychology Today’s “Why We Procrastinate”)? Procrastination is a Self-Management issue. When you are procrastinating, you are lacking the discipline to do what needs to be done; something that would likely ensure your success. With regard to one reason people procrastinate, Hara Estroff Marano writes, “They distract themselves as a way of regulating their emotions such as fear of failure.”

There may even be a scenario where you have a blind spot … you may think you’re doing everything you need to do, but perhaps you aren’t doing it all in ways that bring you the results you seek. How can you fix something when you don’t even know what isn’t working?

How do you break these patterns when you find yourself playing small? Well, first you have to make some decisions. The first decision is that you are no longer going to accept that behavior or that feeling that is causing you to play small and not put your best self forward. You decide that you are tired of the results you are getting. From there you simply have to choose to do things differently, and you have to choose that daily. Yep … Every. Single. Day. This will come as you increase your Self-Awareness. Once you realize you are going down the rabbit hole again, you can stop and change what you are doing.

Don’t be afraid to ask someone for constructive feedback on your performance. It can be difficult to hear what we’re not doing well, but pick a trusted advisor to help guide you along the way and you will reap the rewards of their observations and care. When someone you trust can see things you can’t, you are able to incorporate their thoughts, make small adjustments, and then course correct to get yourself back on track.

Note the different feelings that are happening in your body, the physical cues, the habits you engage in, and the time wasters you allow. I encourage my coaching clients to keep a journal to note anytime something happens that takes them away from what they should be doing. Often they may catch it after the fact … you know, after they just spent forty minutes scrolling through Facebook when they should have been finishing an important report? Yeah, that kind of procrastinating. Figure out what your common distractions are and eliminate them.

If eliminating them is not possible, LIMIT them. Set a time limit on how long you will allow yourself to shift your attention to refocus. Consider how your brain performs most optimally. Travis Bradbury wrote an article called “The Perfect Amount of Time to Work Each Day.” In it he states, “The ideal work-to-break ratio was 52 minutes of work, followed by 17 minutes of rest. People who maintained this schedule had a unique level of focus in their work.”

He went on to say, “The brain naturally functions in spurts of high energy (roughly an hour) followed by spurts of low energy (15 to 20 minutes).”

Did you even know your brain works that way?! This was news to me, but it made so much sense when I started to think about some times I have gotten distracted or lost focus on a project. It usually happens about an hour in … interesting, right?

So look at structuring your day differently if you can, in hourly blocks with little breaks. When you take your break, separate yourself from your work so that you can refocus. As someone with many different aspects to her business, I can sometimes feel scattered because I have so many different tabs and email accounts open, and I try to tend to all by jumping from one to the next at times. Guess what? I am figuring out that doesn’t work well for me. When I shift and focus on just one at a time, it helps me to better manage everything.

Get up and walk away from your desk! Have you heard? “Sitting is the New Smoking.” Do you spend too much time on your caboose in front of the computer? When you take those focus breaks, ensure that you are getting up and moving your body, even if it is just for a quick stretch or a walk to get a glass of water. Are you getting enough exercise every week? That can kick your brain into action, too. If you change your physical state, you change your brain. Form new habits, and you will form new neural pathways in your brain. Create a new and better you!

I have not written this blog as regularly as I had planned. While I love to write, I often have to feel inspired to do so. It feels difficult to me to be “creative on demand.” I have always felt the need to be in a writing mood, and sometimes my brain is too full of other things to feel creative. Which stinks! Because my brain a great power tool full of creative energy … I shouldn’t keep it locked away!

I have been thinking lately that if I will make a practice of setting aside my time differently – I am currently working on scheduling and time blocking for different projects, learning, and tasks – I could create better and more regular habits around writing as well, in addition to some of my other work. Sometimes I feel I just have too much on my plate, which can lead to feeling overwhelmed at times. But then I step back and remember my QuantumThink mantra, “I have all the time in the world.”

Once I relax into that, my focus shifts and I can move forward. Usually. Except on those certain days when I also find myself playing small. Which is what brought us here today. I don’t want to do that! As Keith expressed, I don’t want to rob people of the opportunity to work with me, because my goal is always to impact change and make a difference. If I am playing small, I can’t do that. And neither can you!

Let’s stop. Right now. Together. Because I’m a pretty cool person, and so are you if you’re reading this. And cool people should never play small! Right?!