Break Free: Why Seeking Validation is Crippling You

Want help overcoming seeking validation from other people?

We get this wrong all the time. We tell ourselves that we don’t care what someone else’s opinion about us is. Yet often this isn’t really that true.

Do you care what people think of you? If you think, “No dude, people can think whatever they want to think. I’m fine”, are you sure?

My guess is that on some level there’s a hidden want or need that you have for other people to approve of and validate you.

Let’s see if that’s true. And more importantly, let’s look at what to do about it.

I’m just as guilty of this fallacy of thinking as anyone else is. I have told myself that I don’t care what other people think, BUT……

When put to the test, I realized that I had a big desire for someone else to validate me before I believed in myself or my worth. Actually, I secretly sought it out. I spent years pining for someone else’s approval, acceptance, love, and validation.

Which created some dysfunction in my connections and also created a few very painful dysfunctional relationships.

It’s not just thinking that you’re not enough or that you’re not worthy. Those two false beliefs will derail you on their own.

But the root of the problem is the idea that someone else telling you that you’re good enough or worthy will make it so.

That’s bullcrap. Here’s the truth: No one gets to determine your value except you.

If you give anyone else the power to determine your value, you’re still conceding what’s rightfully yours to someone else.

It’s still your choice.

Validation and seeking approval create the opposite effect of what you’re wanting.

In changing the way I see myself I have a LOT more fun.

That means I dress differently and interact differently with people.

An example of this is something I started doing in 2018 with our local philharmonic. We have a group of young professionals who form The Mozart Society (see right) as a way to attract a younger audience to the symphony. I’m the official mascot. Which means I wear a colonial wig, dress in elaborate suits and have a blast with everyone. Because it’s fun, and awesome.

I choose to celebrate life regardless of what anyone else thinks. The scared dude who needed validation and approval from others wouldn’t be ballsy enough to do this. Which means…."It all comes down to belief".

What do you really believe about yourself? What do you really believe about the work you do, the quality of your production, the value that it has?

Here’s the real deal Holyfield: "The only person who’s going to give you the validation that actually matters is yourself."

It’s one of the reasons why I practice daily affirmations and mantras.

Like I said earlier, this has been a struggle for me for a long time. When I break away from my affirmations practice, I tend to slip back into these negative patterns. And it sucks!

You Must Choose To Have Your Own Back.

As soon as you stop wanting someone else to tell you that you’re good enough and you start believing it, everything will change for you.

Affirmations, along with meditation and journaling, are daily tools I use to plant and cultivate Love in my inner garden. Just doing affirmations still has an incredible impact on reshaping your beliefs to go from helpless (needing validation) to empowered (solid on your own merit).

The impact of this practice is widespread. Your life will transform and your career will transform in magnificent ways.

Seeking validation from others is putting someone else on the throne of your life. It’s giving someone else a helix of power that determines everything about your success or failure.

And you’re the one giving someone else the power to curse you by fostering this negative belief and practice.

If someone can validate you and that gives you power, they can also invalidate you and take all that power away.

From that lower, insecure position, you’re subconsciously waiting for people to tell you how bad you are, or that you’re not good enough. You’re waiting for someone to confirm the negative beliefs you have about yourself.

When they do, the insecurity is upheld. “See, Jack said I suck at writing cool blog articles. I knew it!”

This leads to you second-guessing yourself, and not really putting your heart or your best effort forward. Why put your best effort or try your best when you believe your best isn’t good enough? You invalidate yourself with your own beliefs.

This is why so many people settle for average work, average lives, average relationships. Or even worse, why so many people settle for unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships.

They don’t feel worthy of goodness. Because somewhere in time, someone said they weren’t worthy (or that’s how they interpreted it)?

Yep, you read that right. Give YOURSELF permission. To. Be. Awesome!

It’s like Zach de la Rocha shouted in the iconic Rage Against The Machine track, “You gotta take the power back!!!” The song lyric is a bit vulgar, but in your empowerment process, you might even want to rant on that last line he shouts.

But you have to give yourself the power to determine your worth. Allow no one else to do that!

A practical exercise is looking at yourself in the mirror and telling the person looking back at you,

“You are good enough. You are my favorite person. I believe in you!”

Sound cheesy? Who cares? It works.

It’s no cheesier than letting your inner critic in your head tell you that no one likes you or no one cares about you or that you suck.

Your inner critic is a bully.

When you empower and choose to believe in yourself, the obstacles and challenges you think are in the way of your success won’t be there anymore.

Because you won’t be looking for them.

That “need” you think you have for someone else’s approval, acceptance, and validation will disappear. Because you gain all of those things from yourself.

Confidence is second nature when you Love yourself.

If you want more confidence, Love yourself. It’s that simple.

This is the core principle and method taught in my book,  Be Solid: How To Go Through Hell & Come Out Whole.

In the ways you love someone else, you can also Love yourself. As long as your method of Love is healthy and whole.

If you dote on someone and tell them how great they are, how much you appreciate them being in your life, and how you couldn’t live without them, give that to yourself.

Because it’s all true. You can’t live without yourself. Give yourself the Love that you give away to others.

It’s like Lisa Nichols says, “We show the world how to love us by how we love ourselves.”

When you Love and respect yourself, you show people that you’re worthy of love and respect. So you end up getting more of that. Wayne Dyer says, “If you want people’s approval, stop trying so hard to get it.”

The people we tend to approve of the most are those who really don’t care if anyone is paying attention or not.