How to Build Attractive Confidence: A Practical Guide

Before I explain to you exactly how you can start building the habit of confidence into your life, I need to tell you something you might not want to hear but embracing this hard reality is going to help.

Think about this, what is the core of confidence that makes it so attractive to women?

This may be controversial, but I think it comes down to this: As a man, like it or not, you’re expected to be what stories call an active protagonist… Which means you’re someone who goes after what they want. For example:

In dating, you’re almost always going to be the one who makes the first move. She isn’t going to do it for you.

In your work life, you’re essentially measured and valued by society for your ability to get shit done and bring home the bacon. Nobody is going to do it for you.

In a confrontation, there’s almost a (somewhat toxic) cultural expectation that you’re the one that shuts shit down like a wild west gunslinger. As nobody is going to help you solve your own confrontations.

Now while women have HUGE pressures and expectations of their own – such as being perceived as perfect and/or beautiful – there is one single trend that flows through ALL of the expectations men are saddled with…

You have to be the one that makes things happen. You have to be active, you have to be strong enough to go after what you want… And to do all that, you have to be confident in yourself.

In other words, confidence tells her you are good, or rather, skilled, at being what the world thinks a man should be: an active protagonist. And it tells her this without you speaking a word. She can just feel it.

Now, you might think these expectations suck, or they’re unfair, but that’s actually the wrong way to think about it. Because, it’s not actually that bad. When it comes to dating, it’s a bit of a blessing in disguise.

Look at it this way: For you, there is one trait that makes you more attractive to women, almost universally. And regardless of whether you think it’s based on unfair expectations and so on, which I’m not going to get into… It’s still just one trait. One single little thing. But even better than that… It’s one little thing you can control. Not a thousand. JUST One.

Anyone, including you, can build one thing in their life. That’s right, like I said at the start of the blog, confidence is something you can build. And no matter how much you have now, YOU CAN and WILL build more if you start doing the right things.

But what are these "right things" that are going to skyrocket your confidence?

Self-efficacy is a psychological concept proposed by Albert Bandura that describes your ability to believe in your capability to do the shit you want to do. Not his exact words but you get the idea. It’s not the same as self-esteem, which is basically how good you feel about yourself so don’t confuse it with that.

Self-efficacy is all about whether you believe you can get things done. So if you want to date the girl of your dreams… Self-efficacy isn’t about whether you actually can… It’s about whether you BELIEVE you can.

The reason this is important for building confidence is that you want to look for moments where you’re doubting your ability and challenge that belief. The more experience you get trying things, the more successful experiences you will eventually get, and the more your self-efficacy will slowly increase. These are called mastery experiences and they reinforce the idea that you’re WAYYYY more competent than you think you are.

(Which…  You definitely are.)

However, when you give in to self-doubt, you’re just decreasing your self-efficacy, and thus lowering confidence even further. Kinda like a muscle.

Use it or lose it, man.

This is why Alpha King Kong chest beating bullshit is really bad for your confidence. If you’re acting like you’re cooler than people, better than them, and trying to draw attention to yourself… That’s because deep down you think you aren’t good enough, that you can’t get her, and you don’t have what it takes to be cool.

A good way to blow your confidence to hell.

Now, I’m no therapist, but CBT is essentially built around the idea that thoughts and feelings play a huge role in your behavior (I know, what a crazy notion). 

And that, for example, if you spend all day thinking you’re unattractive and a loser, you’re probably not going to approach the girl at the coffee shop you like. To challenge this, CBT would give you small but achievable goals to complete and would challenge your thoughts and feelings. Like this for instance:

'No woman would ever find me attractive.'
‘Have you spoken to every woman ever?’

'No.'
'Have you even spoken to any women this week?'

'No.'
'Then how would you know they’d never find you attractive?'

'I wouldn’t.'
'Exactly. Do you think that belief might be incorrect and holding you back from finding out in the first place?'

'Probably.'
'Okay so why don’t you try something small like being more friendly and flirty with, say, female cashiers and seeing how they respond, for starters?.'

CBT helps you recognize these thoughts and feelings and their connection to your behavior. When combined with self-efficacy, this helps you look at yourself, what you want, and the various ways in which you’re not trying to get it. From the beliefs all the way to the action.